art inspiring life

for anyone who needs a little kick-up-the-bum inspiration, go see "the king's speech". just do it now. geoffrey rush and colin firth in what i can only think to describe as that film that will remind you that scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter. 


and yes, how apt to say after this treacherous week of bad news, scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter. let me just hear that sentence bounce around in the echoes of my mind for a mere moment...okay. scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter.


so, for that reason (and perhaps that reason only at this point), i will continue to hold what little hope i still have in my heart while i wait out the next two weeks until the university reopens. what's that now? did i forget to mention that the lovely man who delivered my bad news decided to deliver it on the very day that he went on annual leave for two weeks? well he did. and after thinking to myself, "that is so polite and so thoughtful of mr. future-determiner", i've taken a deep breath, swallowed hard, and decided to hold on to that sweet little morsel of hope for a little while longer.


(hold on - i feel a metaphor coming on...)


i'll stand at the foot of the brick wall, swinging my nun-chucks around and around my head, patiently and slowly. and i won't stop a-swingin' until somebody literally rips my weapons from my hands, kicks me in the shins and says something really, really mean. and at that point i'll probably stop for a minute to wallow. but then, for the sake of myself and my family and you, little blog, i will take yet another deep breath and hard swallow and find another weapon. 


wall's comin' down, bitches.


i am not going to ever, never give up on this. because i know i won't be able to live with that. i will not be happy to die not having seen this through. i will not move beyond this without first conquering it. and ain't nobody going to tell me otherwise. 


but that doesn't mean life doesn't go on in the meantime. it does. o, beautiful, inspiring life. yesterday, i did my very first shoot with a friend who was willing to be my muse. and between her and the weather and the sunlight and the world, girlfriend was inspired.


and i will show you a few of my favourite shots. and for all i know, they're a bit cliche and a bit done, but, like my little muse says, cliches are there because they're good, baby. we all use and overuse them for good reason. and that's that. so, without further ado, i give you:


alana's shoot











-- R.

boxing gloves say what now?

ouch. it hurts to be knocked back. it hurts in the way that hurtling back through time to three years ago when i was dealing with pretty awful unhappiness and self-hatred hurts. a lot.


yesterday, at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner for our one year anniversary, my mother handed me a letter from monash. last week a letter from monash arrived at my parents' place too, and that turned out to be a post-graduate survey, so she naturally thought nothing of it. i, too, was sceptical as i ripped the envelope open. it was a very brief, very concise letter. it couldn't be the determining-your-fate kind of letter. no way. when someone breaks your heart and your dreams, telling you that they don't think you're fit to return to your course, they at least take a few words to say it, right? i mean, dude clearly hasn't heard of a friggin' compliment sandwich.


anyway, point being, i was not granted readmission into the course. so now comes follow up time. i've taken today off to wallow in my sad, sad solitude. in the back of my mind i am hoping he made a mistake. my case was undeniably strong, right? i did everything they asked of me. i have arguments to make, cases to plead. and i will. but today, i wallowed. and it was hard, and painful for my soul, and i felt like i took a marathon of backward-steps.


but tomorrow? o, the beauty i know tomorrow brings. tomorrow brings a sunrise, and photos and roses on windowsills...


and matching gym outfits and a warm, kitten-baked lap... 


and birthday cake and espresso martinis and reunions with oldish friends. and that fightin' spirit will rear it's head.




and in the back of my mind, somewhere, i know that. but for tonight, there's half a season of ANTM to be watched on youtube, and carols by candlelight creating a rather apt wallowing-backing-track. and there's a warm, loving, supporting husband and family to surround me. and i could be worse off than that. 



-- R.

on achieving goals

how to people do this? goal achievement? i think this is the root of my problems. i have seen the end of this blog entry in my head, and i already sound whiney. apologies. but seriously, i absolutely suck at two parts of goal achievement: 1. achieve goal. 2. sustain achievement.

as if part one wasn't hard enough. i've had a pretty tough few days with my diet. i don't know how it started or why, but i take my diet very seriously. i mean, it gets me results. it achieves me goals. and for me to start taking steps backwards, well, it hurts me on an emotional level i am embarrassed to admit to. and, to make things worse, i have always been an emotionally-driven binger. so, bada-bing-bada-boom, broken cycle = major breakdown. i mess up the diet, i get upset, i eat to console myself. see? cycle.

so, tonight, after yet another binge-session, i have decided to sit down and blog-it-out. I know there's probably only one person reading this, and that person is skov, but still, accountability is accountability, right? so, skovvy. this is my attempt to "breathe and reboot". see? it doesn't just apply to one aspect of my life. it applies to many. and this - my "difficult" relationship with food - is just one of those things that i have a button to, in my head, which reads, loud and clear: breathe and reboot. so what makes tonight different to the previous week of food misbehaviour? i'm bloggin' it out, that's what. and i'm gonna figure on out what the hell i can do - something small - to break this stinkin' cycle.

what's that you say? a list might help? well, ok.

things i can do to break the cycle

one.

get my mind off of food. for god's sake. take a walk, go to gym (um, that gym membership is accumulating dust, girlfriend), go shopping, see a movie, grab a coffee, do some work, clean the house, take ruby to the beach, start working on photo wall or lavender garden or road trip or ANYTHING. go to a freakin' museum, for all i care.

two.

after trying one or many of the aforementioned, phone a friend. "millionaire" had it right. phone a friend and tell them how you're feeling. don't let them get a word in. beg them for their ear and make yourself accountable to them. for example. "hey, jus, how are you? nevermind, i don't really care. i can't stop thinking about food right now. care to stop me?" ta-dum. phone a friend.

three.

talk to yourself. crazy bec, talkin' to herself again... seriously. try this: "rebecca, i know you want me to feed you right now. and i will. just give me five minutes. and after five minutes, just give me five more. and then, if you still want me to feed you, we can talk again. but just five minutes, ok?".

honestly, if these three things fail, i don't know what to say. but i reckon if i can just follow them i will at least succeed some of the time. i'll have to be doing better than i have been this week, right? at least postponing the worst, if nothing else. any maybe these three simple steps might help to get me a little closer to my goals. 

anywho. where did the photos go? oh, i could probably add "take photos" to the things to keep me occupied list. 

-- R.

and ps.

89.3 is the worst it'll ever be. and don't forget that. mmkay?

when i grow up 1

when i grow up i want to be one of those people who sees things through. one of those people who does what she said she would do even if i really really don't want to do it. like go to gym. or eat well. or finish my work. or cook dinner. for example.


when i grow up i want to be one of those people who can entertain herself, regardless of her husband or friends or family. i want to not have nothing to do just because everyone else is busy. like not sit on the couch watching nothing on tv and stuffing my face because it seems like the best way to spend my time. for example.


when i grow up i want to be one of those people who can make mistakes, learn from said mistakes, and put said mistakes behind her. like if i screw up my heinously strict diet at noon, i won't then decide that i might as well screw up the rest of the day by binging on everything in sight. or if i screw up my placement once, i will take the advice of my superiors and take a break before i try again so that i have an actual chance of seeing them through. for example.


when i grow up my house will be clean. i will have fully mad bed-making skills, and wiping down skills, and sweeping skills, and vacuuming skills and disinfecting skills and squiggying skills and general shake-down skills. and there will be no dust-bunnies or leftover glasses sitting on bedside tables or dirty litter bags in corners or exploding washing baskets or unopened letters. for example.


when i grow up i will be a better friend and family member. i will not ever, never wallow in my high expectations of others, nor will i be terribly disappointed when they disappoint me. i will collect myself and move on. and i will love on them. i will love on everyone. and i will not be afraid of upsetting or disappointing or just not being good enough. i will love on and be loved on and that's that. for example.


when i grow up i will have heard from monash and i will be doing my rounds and applying for a real job. and i will never have to sit on the couch doing nothing but musing my own shortcomings for night-long stretches. because i will have lessons to plan and essays to mark and photos to take and shows to produce and cookies to bake. for example.




wow. i didn't know all of that was in me. i was a bit concerned that my blog was too happy and "up". concerns relinquished.


-- R.

have YOU heard from monash?

neither.

my cat mimi

it's 6.35pm on a tuesday. we've got chevapchichi in the oven, late afternoon tv blaring in the background, and one seriously entertaining kitten to keep us company.

meet mimi. she is a very special cat. full name: jemima butters skovron. likes: batting her food around like she's david beckham. dislikes: people making fun of her fatsacks. interested in: watching the world go by outside (see above photo). for a view of the other side, see below. 





at some point in our otherwise non-overbearing, non-fussy ways, mimi became our baby. we think that she talks to us. that she has very real, very human emotions. she doesn't sit on our laps to keep herself warm, but rather to keep us company. she doesn't reow nonstop in the morning because she's ravenous, but rather because she wants to conduct a meaningful conversation with us. she doesn't throw her kitty litter all over the bathroom floor as a result of her cat instinct to cover her rude bits, but rather as a teenage lash-out at her parents.


so, ok, yes we are a little bit deluded. but this cat is damn cute and stinkin' hilarious. 






thought there might be some deeper intention to this post? nope.


-- R.

worth the drive...

yesterday i agreed to take my friend justine to the airport this morning. at 5am. so, true to form, i awoke at 4.55am (we live minutes from each other), went and waited the obligatory 10 minutes outside her place (she is perpetually and infamously late), and loaded her thousand-kilo-suitcase into the backseat. 


and off we drove. we made it to the airport in 25 minutes. this made me very proud, as it normally takes up to an hour. making good time = happy me. still, i was grumpy and tired, it was so so early and i was not looking forward to feeling like poo for the rest of the day.


and then, my eyes met this.



sunrise. (o, spectacular sunrise!). and i realised, it was worth the drive. now, i'm not a religious person, and this blog is absolutely never going to make any commentary on the existence of god (or, perhaps a more accurate reflection of my belief, lack thereof), but this morning, driving home in this heavenly setting, the thought crossed my mind: somebody really nice decided to put on this display for me today.


and as much as i love sunset (and boy do i love sunset), this was something else. something spectacular and something promising. i mean, with your day starting like this, things can only get better and better, right?


well, it is beside the point that i did a whole-lotta-not-much today. the point is that this magical display occurs every day, day after day, while we sleep unbeknownst. and that excites me. it tells me that good things happen all the time and i just haven't noticed them yet. it gives me a reason to believe that if i wanted to, really wanted to, i could see the good in everything and anything. and boy have i been trying to do just that lately.


and i am aware that my little blog has reached beyond its original intention to discuss my career pathways and possibilities. but i don't mind. i mean, this self-indulgent space is serving its purpose for me. for now. and when the time comes, i will use it as i originally intended.


and now i leave you with another little collage (thank you picassa, you are my new best friend). this one is called "how do i take a photo of myself in the mirror that is not blurry and actually captures my whole face #68". an artistic dreampiece, i know.







-- R. 

small milestones

one.
yesterday i wrote and mailed the letter. you know, the one that will determine whether or not i go back to uni next year? the one where i poured my heart and soul out all over a white screen, in the hopes that someone out there might get it? i'm really looking forward to the six-to-eight-week-wait ahead.


two. 
finally, finally they started construction next door. this morning marks day three of free 7am wake up call. in a way it's not so bad. but the potty-mouthed construction workers cackling about gross things have got to go. 





three.
the place on the other side of us got jealous. so they decided to start pulling down fences and chopping down trees. the result? construction sandwich, baby, and we are the cheese.


four. 
it's chanukah! time to pull out my grandfather's perfect chanukiah masterpiece, light the candles and place it in the window for passers-by to see and think, now there's a glimmer in the window. to mark the occasion, i spent a good chunk of yesterday making ponchkas, jewish jam donuts, which are traditionally eaten during this festival. then skov and i drove around delivering the little morsels of oily perfection to family and friends. i do love to bake. 


half jam, half custard, all deliciously home-made.





five.
the happy game. it's a new game, which i invented (and am trademarking, thankyouverymuch), whereby you are accountable for someone else's "happies". how does it work, i hear you ask? well, quiet down and i'll tell you. first, you tell someone that they should expect a phone call from you every day. then, you make said phone call. whilst on the phone, you tell them one thing that made you happy today. can be small, can be big. ergo they are accountable for your happies. this game couldn't sound more dorky, but i swear, it works, and i'm slowly converting people. because then you start to notice little things that make you happy and you think, hey, i could use this as my happy today! whereas otherwise you would never have even noticed it. try it.


six. 
december, already!?


off to tend to sick bunny.

mug painted courtesy of yours truly.


-- R. 

back on track

i know how it feels have your life in one place, a very recognisable place, and then to just up and leave it right there. like, to feel that moment of almost-can't-breathe-anymore and realise that you need to just go. i know how it feels to never want to see that place again. because it is hard, and raw, and it hurts. 


but i am back in that place again. well, not exactly that place. you see, at the end of last year, i was supposed to finish my school placement and graduate. i was supposed to have motivation and direction to get through my degree, especially considering i was given a second opportunity to do so. i was supposed to have this amazing and beautiful opportunity to start my teaching career at the start of 2010, freshly married and just so happy.


but supposed-to never really eventuated. i'll never really be able to explain what stopped me from getting through my rounds at that secondary school. i think it was a combination of exhaustion, nerves, my round-the-corner marriage, a huge lack of motivation, and self-doubt. you know, that voice i've talked about so much already that says, "you are wasting your time. this is not your path. quit while you're ahead." (you know, all the really useful things that one's mind can say).


and then, this year, when i decided to try one last time to get through my blasted placement, i was met with a wall. a bureaucratic wall of resistance. and when girlfriend sees a wall? well, she's lookin' for a javelin stick. and javelin stick i found. when i returned from my three-month round-the-world honeymoon extravaganza, i cranked my motivational mind into overhaul. i convinced myself that i was a steam engine. and as i puffed up that hill, constantly having to knock back negative thoughts, i repeated, over and over: see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe (i hope you got the rhythm there, it really helps). 


and so off i trotted to fulfil the somewhat ridiculous requests of the evil bureaucrats and spent the last two weeks volunteering my time at a local high school, being exposed to the cruel and scary school environment, like a good girl. i was patient, i sat and listened quietly, helped out when i was asked, and was always on my very best behaviour. (this is why i hate placement). i smiled at the staff, even when they never smiled back, and i answered the awkward and often-asked student question, "are you a teacher?" i figure, i could have gone into the two-year long details to explain why i, indeed, am not a teacher, but a simple "almost" seemed to satisfy.


and then yesterday, the teacher in charge of me and my "situation" gave me a letter to say that i had done what i had done. well, thank you very much, where does this leave me?


it leaves me very very close to where i left off. 


except not quite.


because where i left off was a very scary, dark place. a place where i hope never to return. i don't want to be that person who gives up on herself anymore. i don't want to be that person who ever puts anything in the too-hard basket. and after the challenges and struggles of the past year, and difficult talks i've had to have with myself, i know i'm not that person anymore. there isn't even a basket with those words on it. too hard? more like, yes please. i'll take that challenge and raise you a hard-core accept. don't try me. don't ask me to jump out of an aeroplane. because, i really really really don't want to. but i might just have to accept it. there's no more excuses comin' out of this strong woman's mind or mouth. 


so yes, i am very close to where i left off. maybe a shuffle or two further down the track. but those shuffles have made a world of difference. i feel like i'm back on a track that will eventually take me to where i wanted to go. but it's different. it's beautiful. there are pit-stops with people waiting to hand me ice cold water, marathon-style. there are hills and troughs and pastoral landscapes. of course there are also ladders and walls and all sorts of obstacles. except this time, there are also the tools and instruments to defeat. javelins and sledge-hammers and shovels. nothing can stop me now from getting all the way to the end of this path.


i'm back on track. i'm better than back on track. it's a whole new track, baby.



and to satisfy my photo-fetish, i'm currently reminiscing about one simply fabulous day, nearly a year ago now. and it's only taken this long to get the album and video ready to be picked up (which i will go and do later today!!). i remember feeling like my feet were not touching the ground, like the love-vibes i was getting from everyone around me literally whooshed me right up off the floor. it was awesome.




what'cha got there, ella?




happy love day, everyone. here's to being in love and finding new tracks.


-- R. 

new beginnings...

well. it's that time of year, ey? time to start thinking about what comes next. and, in keeping with my own little three-year-long tradition, i went out and bought myself a gift today. 





a brand new diary, baby. it's time to talk 2011. and as i lay my card down to pay for this, my favourite yearly planner (naturally food-related), i started to think... i wonder what amazing things i will be writing in these here pages? which got me wondering, in the spirit of seeing who i want to be, and in light of this new-found positivity, if i think good thoughts, will i be writing them for real soon enough? 


perhaps an appointment with the university to confirm my readmission? (or maybe that will happen even sooner than that...) dates for my professional placement? graduation? job interviews scheduled in for mid-year? and let's not forget a chic birthday dinner or two.


and why stop there? how about all the good times i'll have celebrating fabulous occasions with friends? engagements, birthdays, love and happiness. pencil them in. and meal after delicious meal, both home-cooked and eaten out to commemorate special moments in our lives. incredible outings to farmers' markets (the locations of which are included in the front of my beautiful planner), bringing home the freshest and most vibrant produce to play with. 


challenging moments, compromise, creativity and artistic success. jot them down, too. maybe a massage lurks in the near future? perhaps it comes as a reward for working hard to achieve my fitness goals. add in a million smiles, and laughter between lovers. 365 daily feeds for mimi, and 365 tales of silliness to match. flowers, shopping sprees, fixing things around the house, hanging pictures, printing photos, reliving happy memories of the years gone by.


it's looking to be a seriously good year ahead. and no, i'm not stupid. i've flipped the pages and apprehended the not-so-good-stuff. tears, arguments, misunderstandings. break-ups, lay-offs and anger. those things are all there too, somewhere. old me, firsthalfof2010 me, would have spent far too long dwelling on those things. but blog, and now 2011 diary, you are reminding me to notice the good stuff. maybe highlight it in fluorescent pink and orange and sprinkle it with glitter. yes, i will accept the sadness and the hardships. let them soak through my body and my mind. i will go so far as to acknowledge the importance of feeling the pain that life inevitably deals us. so i will cry and wallow and ask to be coddled. and then, i will flip the page. when i'm ready, i'll move on. start again. see the good. see what i want to be. (recurring theme, anyone?)


and now, enough warbling. i will leave you with exciting thoughts. summer is coming:


(despite ominous weather today, baby, it's a-comin')


lots of time will be spent here, in the palace of the sun, acland street, st kilda in melbourne. o, heavenly place. 


and plenty of ice cream happiness is on its way. all you can eat, in fact.


so, what's your happy-coming?


-- R.

testing, testing...

is this how i add a full-sized photo to my blog? (i am aware that i am asking nobody.)



my husband's grandfather, mietek. 98 years old. and still kicking on. this man tells the absolute best jokes, and he has literally got a library of them stored in his brain. this photo is of him, moments after telling one of his jokes that he, too, happened to find hilarious. classic and beautiful. 




and how perfect is this? i've always been fascinated by how his fingers swish and swirl on whatever surface they find nearest. i suppose when you are near-blind and near-deaf, textures and touch become much more important. here, he glides his fingertips over a nearby nail file.


-- R. 

sirens need not be blaring

for me to hear the voices in my head tonight. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. news flash? no. but still, i'm finding it difficult to battle these monsters who tell me, every single day, that i'm uncertain, i'm wasting my time, i should quit. i've never exactly been a hero when it comes to telling myself to just shut up, and put one foot in front of the other.


but i'm willing to make an effort to learn from previous failings. how easy would the past twelve months have been if i could have just sucked it up and kept rolling? but i will not allow myself to repeat my own mistakes over and over. this time is different. i might not succeed. but i will go down in a ripping battle.


it is a mad dash to the finish line right now. i have to submit a letter for readmission to my course by december 1st. that is in nine days. this is the homestretch to what has been a whopping journey. a journey filled with difficult realisations, challenging self-reflection and an ongoing battle with myself. even after i had secured this volunteer work at the local public school, i started to second-guess. but this time, sirens need not be blaring.


i do not need to wait to fail before i think about what i can do to ease the discomfort of the challenge. i am looking inside myself, and seeing, point blank, that while i may not know where i am going in this life or how i will get there, i will submit that letter. i will carry out one week more of volunteering at the school. when it gets difficult, i will ask for help. i will blog it out. hell, i'll do whatever it takes to get that letter signed, sealed and delivered.


and when i do, i'll be able to say that i did everything i possibly could to make this happen. i will look back with no regrets. and if, for some inane reason, the university decides to backpedal on their word and deny me reentry into the course, well, then, i know exactly what i'll do. i've had it planned for months. and i'll do it with a breath of fresh air and a sigh of happy relief.


i'll move on. there are so many big and beautiful things that are out there, waiting for me. i will not let this one thing cast huge shadows on my path after this last mad dash. once i can say that i did everything (and i mean everything), then i see this glorious scene playing out in my mind, in which the layer of guilt i've been carrying around with me for the past year is suddenly magnetised to the sky, and it peels off of my skin with such a gush of energy that my arms fly up in the air and i shout "hallelujah" into the air. 


no, it won't be exactly the happy ending i might have thought i wanted at the start of all of this. but i'm learning to take things as they come. all i can do is everything i can. and i'm doing just that, baby. 


i'm not worried. i'm not scared. if this one doesn't work out, then there's another equally fabulous, world-changing career out there, patiently waiting for me to notice it. and if it does work out? well, that's just fabulous too.


-- R.

Step One

I made a phone call. I swallowed down deep, my heart beat fast, and I pushed those buttons. I made a phone call! I know I sound a bit "the loser" for thinking myself so cool for making a phone call. But I made the phone call that got the ball rolling. I took positive action. I'm going in to a school tomorrow to meet with a woman who will help me to find a bit of volunteer work in the school. Afternoon homework help and the like.

After tomorrow's meeting I will email the university powers. I will tell them what I have planned. And I will remind them that I am still here, fighting to finish my degree. I will tell them that I am coming back. They will be shocked that I'm still here. And I will smile.

Since that tiny little phone call, I haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face. I've sat in my hallway, sorting through toiletries, grinning like a mad woman. If anyone would've seen me they would've thought I was a bit "special", for sure. But I don't care. I don't care how small or insignificant this step is. It's the first step. The one that makes the other steps happen. Next thing you know, I'll be standing in front of hundreds of people, wearing a goofy gown and cap, and graduating. Me. Graduating. Okay, so I know that step one and graduation might be worlds apart, but I can't help but feel worlds closer to my goal.

Step One has taught me a major lesson today. Don't overthink things. Sometimes, it's worth assuming the best of people, assuming that people are good and generous and want to help you. Because in the end, the only thing that has been stopping me this whole time has been me. Me thinking that people would turn me away, and shoot me down again and again. Did anyone ever shoot me down? No! They may have laid some bricks down in front of me, but that high wall? All my own doing, baby. And, brick by brick, I'm-a-pullin' them down.

In other news, my house is almost back in order. It's taken us a week of being home from our big trip, but it's slowly starting to resemble a house that I live in. Including mass ant genocide last night. Home is good, friends are good, and I've taken Step One. Today is one of those good days.

And I swear, soon, I will figure out how to turn this into a photographic sensation. Any day now. Maybe it will be Step Two? Thank you, little blog, for taking in my thoughts without judgement. I dig you, and I will, in return, look after you.

-- R.

I got that fightin’ spirit

I’m such a strong believer in the idea that you have to see yourself the way you want to be. Stronger, faster, thinner, happier, whatever. If you look at yourself in your mind’s eye and say I am strong, then your chances of actually being strong are much higher. The power of positive thinking, baby.

Obviously I know this is not a ballistic new concept for the human race. But for me, this paradigm of positivity struck while I was sitting on London’s Tube, the bustle of train culture happening all around me, and I looked up into the window opposite me. The window must have been tilted to such a degree that it slightly warped my reflection. Suddenly, my face was a bit leaner – I couldn’t believe how good I looked. My travel companions continued ranting on about this and that, while I had a quiet epiphany on that train. See who you want to be. I sat, staring, entranced by my own beauty and finesse. Of course, the delusion wore off rather quickly when I turned my head to another reflective surface and realised that I hadn’t magically morphed into a supermodel. But the thought stuck. See who you want to be.

And what do I want to be today? I want to be a strong woman. A woman with that fightin’ spirit. I want to see beyond the wall to the freedom that I know exists, and I want to be a person who can set herself the necessary goals to achieve that freedom.

And this blog? Well, it’s really just another reflective surface, right? So here I am, looking at myself, and seeing strength. Seeing a fighter. Someone who can make tough calls, not take no for an answer, and take steps in the right direction, no matter how confronting and scary it might be.

The road is long and narrow, with many potholes and obstacles. But today, I see a woman who can sit in the driver’s seat and manoeuvre craftily around them. And when I can’t? Well, that’s when I ask for help. Help from my husband, our family, my amazing friends. I talk it out.

When the time comes, I want to be ready. I want to be able to face my demons head on and kick their asses. And when I do? You can call me doctor Skovron. I will have slaved over the study of kickin’ demons’ asses to the extent that I’ll be the authority on the topic. People will come from far and wide to ask me how I do it. And I’ll look at them, slow smirk spreading across my face, and tell them, see who you want to be. See who you want to be.

There are many projects on the horizon, and hectic times-a-lurkin’. And I couldn’t be more excited. I mean, bring on the challenges, the difficulties and frustrations, because I’ll be here, bandages tied, boxing gloves on, with two big black war stripes painted on my face. I’m not kidding. I’ve got that fightin’ spirit. Hard core.

-- R.

In the spirit of Sex and the City

It seems apt, as my time here in New York comes to its peaceful close, that I turn to the great sage Carrie Bradshaw for a bit of advice. And, frankly, if you can master the agonies and ecstacies of living in Manhattan, you should be honoured. And Carrie B? Fictional as she may be, girlfriend owns this city.

So, her advice? Breathe and reboot. When things go wrong and the bricks on that wall in front of you are a-mountin', just breathe. And reboot.

It's not my perfect mantra, but hey, it's a start, and it involves positive action, which in my book, is a nice chunky stride in the right direction. Thanks imaginary HBO character. Just breathe and reboot.

-- R.

the bureaucracy blues

last night i received a response to an email that i innocently sent to one of the powers-that-be asking a very small favour regarding finishing my degree. and when i say very small, i mean, like, after giving me someone's phone number, i asked her to give me said someone's email address. the response, needless to say, was underwhelming.

actually, underwhelming is an understatement. she dismissed me. she might as well have said, "that's okay, we don't want you here anymore. we prefer people who finish their degrees the first time around, and, frankly, you do not match the criteria of the paper that i have sitting here in front of me describing acceptable student behaviour. thankyoucomeagain."

i have learned a lot in my struggle to try and finish this degree. i have learnt that people sometimes don't care about you, especially if you are *that* nuisance student who keeps bugging them. i have learnt that the amount of paperwork you need to do in order to accomplish anything in a university setting is completely disproportionate to whatever said paperwork is supposed to achieve. i have learned that bureaucracy is a bitch.

last night i sat on a couch in a quiet upper-west-side new york apartment and felt dejected and useless, like maybe i wouldn't ever be able to realise my wants to finish my diploma of education. i couldn't understand why so many people insist on building these walls up in front of me that i have to push through. when will someone pave a smooth, sandstone pathway for me - one with silverbirches arching over it, providing a soft breezy soundtrack as i walk down it? last night, i was to the point that i was considering curling up into a ball and just sitting in the dark through the night, in the hopes that the darkness might just swallow me up and spit me out two years ago, when all of this might have been a whole lot easier. but i have a husband who know what to say, who knelt down beside me and reminded me that this is not the end of the line for me. so i went to bed. and as i lay in bed last night, i mantrad myself. over and over again, i told myself, this is not the end of the line for me. this is not the end of the line for me. this is not the end of the line for me.

when i woke up this morning, my first thought? this is the end of the line for me. okay, i know that wasn't an ideal first thought, but the important part is that it was a fleeting thought. i stood in the shower talking myself out of the negative vibes and i told myself to just sit down for a few minutes, let the juices flow, and blog it out. and so here i am. singing the bureaucracy blues (and, by the way, do you have any idea how difficult that word is to spell!?) but i'm going to beat them. i am going to triumph over them. i am going to see those walls, and raise them a javelin stick. because i am not just scrambling over the walls. i am going to friggin hurdle over them, wind in my hair, ridiculous, open-mouthed grin plastered on my face.

and when i land firmly on the ground on the other side? then i'll know for sure. i'll know that, unlike the others who did it the first time, i have kicked my own motivated little ass into shape, and i will be so proud i'll do a little victory lap around the walls, singing *eye of the tiger* at the top of my lungs. and it will be GOOD.

i'm home in two weeks. between now and then, i will start working on my hurdling skills. i will come up with a plan of action (or at least the beginnings of one), and, most importantly, i will stay calm. you know what? last night's mantra was not perfect. someone once told me you should always try to phrase ideas in the positive. this is not the end of the line for me is no good - it doesn't really tell me what i should do to take the next step in the right direction. i need a better one. in the next two weeks i will come up with the ultimate mantra.

stay tuned...
-- R.


and, in the meantime, a small reminder that when all else turns to shit, there's always love. thanks, nyc, for the happy times.

are you in the club?

there is a universal club but it's very secret. it's one of those amazing things - when you finally stumble upon it, you can't believe you hadn't noticed it earlier. and the funny thing is, i sometimes felt so alone in this world, not knowing about the club. but as i am slowly realising the vastness of its membership, i am becoming more and more comfortable with my status as an uncertain.

it's not just me who doesn't know what to do with her life. in fact, some of my most intelligent, most motivated friends are leading members of the club. there have been moments when i thought it was because i wasn't intelligent or enough of a go-getter that i have been 'left behind', not knowing exactly what my direction is in life. but it's not, it's so not. i know i'll find my purpose. and being overseas, contemplating the bigger picture of my life and where i'm headed, well, i'm finally beginning to get excited.

don't get me wrong. it's a bit of a two steps forward, one step back situation. every other day i feel panicked and unsure. i think to myself, 'i'm never going to figure it out. i'm going to spend my life in this ridiculous state of anxiety and then time will pass me by and i'll be exactly where i started'. and then there are days like today, when i get to spend my time with other members of the club, members who make me laugh and think and feel confident and happy and beautiful.

and now i am sitting in a very special person's house in notting hill, london, and i'm smiling just thinking about the joys and comforts and challenges and adventure that lie ahead. the promise of discovering new and exciting things, of finding a career that makes me happy, of spending more beautiful time with club members and imagining all the good things that might come my way. this club is kinda awesome.

-- R

Plenty for me, man...

I had every intention to write here sooner than this. But being away from home in new and exciting places beckons me away from both the computer and the idea of sitting down and thinking about what I should probably be thinking about a bit more than I am. But after an incredible reunion with two very good friends tonight, I'm feeling groovy. I know I'm not alone.
We're all on our quests, and it's not a race to figure it all out. I can be a teacher, and a producer, a photographer, an interior designer, a baker and a chef, an actress, a domestic goddess and a writer another time. For now, there's me, my scrumptious husband, some great friends and London calling. And that's plenty for me, man.

my mother always told me

that when i was little, i insisted i wanted to be a cleaning lady. she teases me that she was afraid my aspirations were a little too meek for my seemingly bright future. 


well, i'm 25, happily married and ready for the universe to start pointing me in the direction of my future. i no longer wish to be a cleaning lady (although i do sometimes enjoy washing the dishes - in fact, especially if they're someone else's), but that's about the extent of it. for a woman of only a quarter century's experience, i seem to have accumulated a very long and varied list of vocations and hobbies, most of which will never have the potential to earn me a living - and a lot of them have lead to dead ends one way or another, even if only because i decide for no good reason that they are, indeed, dead ends. 


and so, in the true spirit of awkward-first-blog-entries, i would like to make a promise to myself that i will attempt to use this little space as an avenue for the emotional and (hopefully somewhat) intellectual exploration of who i am and what i want to be when i grow up. 


hopefully i don't look back on this post and cringe. the end. (for now).

this is a blog.

hello, blog.