art inspiring life

for anyone who needs a little kick-up-the-bum inspiration, go see "the king's speech". just do it now. geoffrey rush and colin firth in what i can only think to describe as that film that will remind you that scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter. 


and yes, how apt to say after this treacherous week of bad news, scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter. let me just hear that sentence bounce around in the echoes of my mind for a mere moment...okay. scary things, when conquered, taste all the sweeter.


so, for that reason (and perhaps that reason only at this point), i will continue to hold what little hope i still have in my heart while i wait out the next two weeks until the university reopens. what's that now? did i forget to mention that the lovely man who delivered my bad news decided to deliver it on the very day that he went on annual leave for two weeks? well he did. and after thinking to myself, "that is so polite and so thoughtful of mr. future-determiner", i've taken a deep breath, swallowed hard, and decided to hold on to that sweet little morsel of hope for a little while longer.


(hold on - i feel a metaphor coming on...)


i'll stand at the foot of the brick wall, swinging my nun-chucks around and around my head, patiently and slowly. and i won't stop a-swingin' until somebody literally rips my weapons from my hands, kicks me in the shins and says something really, really mean. and at that point i'll probably stop for a minute to wallow. but then, for the sake of myself and my family and you, little blog, i will take yet another deep breath and hard swallow and find another weapon. 


wall's comin' down, bitches.


i am not going to ever, never give up on this. because i know i won't be able to live with that. i will not be happy to die not having seen this through. i will not move beyond this without first conquering it. and ain't nobody going to tell me otherwise. 


but that doesn't mean life doesn't go on in the meantime. it does. o, beautiful, inspiring life. yesterday, i did my very first shoot with a friend who was willing to be my muse. and between her and the weather and the sunlight and the world, girlfriend was inspired.


and i will show you a few of my favourite shots. and for all i know, they're a bit cliche and a bit done, but, like my little muse says, cliches are there because they're good, baby. we all use and overuse them for good reason. and that's that. so, without further ado, i give you:


alana's shoot











-- R.

boxing gloves say what now?

ouch. it hurts to be knocked back. it hurts in the way that hurtling back through time to three years ago when i was dealing with pretty awful unhappiness and self-hatred hurts. a lot.


yesterday, at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner for our one year anniversary, my mother handed me a letter from monash. last week a letter from monash arrived at my parents' place too, and that turned out to be a post-graduate survey, so she naturally thought nothing of it. i, too, was sceptical as i ripped the envelope open. it was a very brief, very concise letter. it couldn't be the determining-your-fate kind of letter. no way. when someone breaks your heart and your dreams, telling you that they don't think you're fit to return to your course, they at least take a few words to say it, right? i mean, dude clearly hasn't heard of a friggin' compliment sandwich.


anyway, point being, i was not granted readmission into the course. so now comes follow up time. i've taken today off to wallow in my sad, sad solitude. in the back of my mind i am hoping he made a mistake. my case was undeniably strong, right? i did everything they asked of me. i have arguments to make, cases to plead. and i will. but today, i wallowed. and it was hard, and painful for my soul, and i felt like i took a marathon of backward-steps.


but tomorrow? o, the beauty i know tomorrow brings. tomorrow brings a sunrise, and photos and roses on windowsills...


and matching gym outfits and a warm, kitten-baked lap... 


and birthday cake and espresso martinis and reunions with oldish friends. and that fightin' spirit will rear it's head.




and in the back of my mind, somewhere, i know that. but for tonight, there's half a season of ANTM to be watched on youtube, and carols by candlelight creating a rather apt wallowing-backing-track. and there's a warm, loving, supporting husband and family to surround me. and i could be worse off than that. 



-- R.

on achieving goals

how to people do this? goal achievement? i think this is the root of my problems. i have seen the end of this blog entry in my head, and i already sound whiney. apologies. but seriously, i absolutely suck at two parts of goal achievement: 1. achieve goal. 2. sustain achievement.

as if part one wasn't hard enough. i've had a pretty tough few days with my diet. i don't know how it started or why, but i take my diet very seriously. i mean, it gets me results. it achieves me goals. and for me to start taking steps backwards, well, it hurts me on an emotional level i am embarrassed to admit to. and, to make things worse, i have always been an emotionally-driven binger. so, bada-bing-bada-boom, broken cycle = major breakdown. i mess up the diet, i get upset, i eat to console myself. see? cycle.

so, tonight, after yet another binge-session, i have decided to sit down and blog-it-out. I know there's probably only one person reading this, and that person is skov, but still, accountability is accountability, right? so, skovvy. this is my attempt to "breathe and reboot". see? it doesn't just apply to one aspect of my life. it applies to many. and this - my "difficult" relationship with food - is just one of those things that i have a button to, in my head, which reads, loud and clear: breathe and reboot. so what makes tonight different to the previous week of food misbehaviour? i'm bloggin' it out, that's what. and i'm gonna figure on out what the hell i can do - something small - to break this stinkin' cycle.

what's that you say? a list might help? well, ok.

things i can do to break the cycle

one.

get my mind off of food. for god's sake. take a walk, go to gym (um, that gym membership is accumulating dust, girlfriend), go shopping, see a movie, grab a coffee, do some work, clean the house, take ruby to the beach, start working on photo wall or lavender garden or road trip or ANYTHING. go to a freakin' museum, for all i care.

two.

after trying one or many of the aforementioned, phone a friend. "millionaire" had it right. phone a friend and tell them how you're feeling. don't let them get a word in. beg them for their ear and make yourself accountable to them. for example. "hey, jus, how are you? nevermind, i don't really care. i can't stop thinking about food right now. care to stop me?" ta-dum. phone a friend.

three.

talk to yourself. crazy bec, talkin' to herself again... seriously. try this: "rebecca, i know you want me to feed you right now. and i will. just give me five minutes. and after five minutes, just give me five more. and then, if you still want me to feed you, we can talk again. but just five minutes, ok?".

honestly, if these three things fail, i don't know what to say. but i reckon if i can just follow them i will at least succeed some of the time. i'll have to be doing better than i have been this week, right? at least postponing the worst, if nothing else. any maybe these three simple steps might help to get me a little closer to my goals. 

anywho. where did the photos go? oh, i could probably add "take photos" to the things to keep me occupied list. 

-- R.

and ps.

89.3 is the worst it'll ever be. and don't forget that. mmkay?

when i grow up 1

when i grow up i want to be one of those people who sees things through. one of those people who does what she said she would do even if i really really don't want to do it. like go to gym. or eat well. or finish my work. or cook dinner. for example.


when i grow up i want to be one of those people who can entertain herself, regardless of her husband or friends or family. i want to not have nothing to do just because everyone else is busy. like not sit on the couch watching nothing on tv and stuffing my face because it seems like the best way to spend my time. for example.


when i grow up i want to be one of those people who can make mistakes, learn from said mistakes, and put said mistakes behind her. like if i screw up my heinously strict diet at noon, i won't then decide that i might as well screw up the rest of the day by binging on everything in sight. or if i screw up my placement once, i will take the advice of my superiors and take a break before i try again so that i have an actual chance of seeing them through. for example.


when i grow up my house will be clean. i will have fully mad bed-making skills, and wiping down skills, and sweeping skills, and vacuuming skills and disinfecting skills and squiggying skills and general shake-down skills. and there will be no dust-bunnies or leftover glasses sitting on bedside tables or dirty litter bags in corners or exploding washing baskets or unopened letters. for example.


when i grow up i will be a better friend and family member. i will not ever, never wallow in my high expectations of others, nor will i be terribly disappointed when they disappoint me. i will collect myself and move on. and i will love on them. i will love on everyone. and i will not be afraid of upsetting or disappointing or just not being good enough. i will love on and be loved on and that's that. for example.


when i grow up i will have heard from monash and i will be doing my rounds and applying for a real job. and i will never have to sit on the couch doing nothing but musing my own shortcomings for night-long stretches. because i will have lessons to plan and essays to mark and photos to take and shows to produce and cookies to bake. for example.




wow. i didn't know all of that was in me. i was a bit concerned that my blog was too happy and "up". concerns relinquished.


-- R.

have YOU heard from monash?

neither.

my cat mimi

it's 6.35pm on a tuesday. we've got chevapchichi in the oven, late afternoon tv blaring in the background, and one seriously entertaining kitten to keep us company.

meet mimi. she is a very special cat. full name: jemima butters skovron. likes: batting her food around like she's david beckham. dislikes: people making fun of her fatsacks. interested in: watching the world go by outside (see above photo). for a view of the other side, see below. 





at some point in our otherwise non-overbearing, non-fussy ways, mimi became our baby. we think that she talks to us. that she has very real, very human emotions. she doesn't sit on our laps to keep herself warm, but rather to keep us company. she doesn't reow nonstop in the morning because she's ravenous, but rather because she wants to conduct a meaningful conversation with us. she doesn't throw her kitty litter all over the bathroom floor as a result of her cat instinct to cover her rude bits, but rather as a teenage lash-out at her parents.


so, ok, yes we are a little bit deluded. but this cat is damn cute and stinkin' hilarious. 






thought there might be some deeper intention to this post? nope.


-- R.

worth the drive...

yesterday i agreed to take my friend justine to the airport this morning. at 5am. so, true to form, i awoke at 4.55am (we live minutes from each other), went and waited the obligatory 10 minutes outside her place (she is perpetually and infamously late), and loaded her thousand-kilo-suitcase into the backseat. 


and off we drove. we made it to the airport in 25 minutes. this made me very proud, as it normally takes up to an hour. making good time = happy me. still, i was grumpy and tired, it was so so early and i was not looking forward to feeling like poo for the rest of the day.


and then, my eyes met this.



sunrise. (o, spectacular sunrise!). and i realised, it was worth the drive. now, i'm not a religious person, and this blog is absolutely never going to make any commentary on the existence of god (or, perhaps a more accurate reflection of my belief, lack thereof), but this morning, driving home in this heavenly setting, the thought crossed my mind: somebody really nice decided to put on this display for me today.


and as much as i love sunset (and boy do i love sunset), this was something else. something spectacular and something promising. i mean, with your day starting like this, things can only get better and better, right?


well, it is beside the point that i did a whole-lotta-not-much today. the point is that this magical display occurs every day, day after day, while we sleep unbeknownst. and that excites me. it tells me that good things happen all the time and i just haven't noticed them yet. it gives me a reason to believe that if i wanted to, really wanted to, i could see the good in everything and anything. and boy have i been trying to do just that lately.


and i am aware that my little blog has reached beyond its original intention to discuss my career pathways and possibilities. but i don't mind. i mean, this self-indulgent space is serving its purpose for me. for now. and when the time comes, i will use it as i originally intended.


and now i leave you with another little collage (thank you picassa, you are my new best friend). this one is called "how do i take a photo of myself in the mirror that is not blurry and actually captures my whole face #68". an artistic dreampiece, i know.







-- R.