morning rituals

i love waking up with skov in the dark and making his breakfast and coffee and preparing his lunch for work. i crave the whirring of the coffee machine, and the heavenly smell that immediately follows. the sounds of nothing but the shower running and the coffee dripping and the milk frothing. and it is too soon to turn the bathroom light on, so it is showers in the early dark. i love putting the patterned teabowl, empty but for a spoon, on his placemat with a choice of cereals and cold cold milk by its side. i love the slow, simple conversation as we adapt to the idea that it is morning. i stand over the sink and slowly empty it, the cleansing of the sink like a symbol of the new day, starting fresh. yesterday is behind us. skov finishes his breakfast and always wants a hug. i come to life when he asks for it. i swoon with love and adoration for this person. and o, we cuddle hard. i imagine that we are like power outlet and extension lead. we need each other's electricity to brave the morning - it's total symbiosis, baby.

and then he's off. finishing his own morning rituals. top half needs dressing, emails needs checking, final grabbing of necessities for school. and while he does this, i pick up. the couch cushions need straightening. his abandoned towel needs finding. and when i find it, crumpled on the floor in some room or other, hiding under sheet or on swivel chair, i embrace. i smile. o, the ritual. i pick up his stray underwear and socks from yesterday. and mine. as i dump them in the hamper, i assess how many more days until laundry. check for specialty items that need urgent attention. whoosh the foot towel up off the floor and over the rack, in its proper place. 

it starts and finishes in twenty five minutes. and then a quick kiss to last us through the day and he's gone. and sometimes i give myself ten minutes to crawl back under the doona, still warm with sleep, and wait for mimi to join me and demand to be spooned.

-- R.

will you share your life with me for the next ten kgs?

it is time. as the dust settles and the ground clears, my rut is rounding itself up. thank you to alice for the walking suggestion. o, i will walk. i might skip the baths, though, in other people's houses. although high marks for creativity and conviction. 


so, now what? now i continue on my journey, on my journeys. my quest to become the person who i see. (remember that old kettle of fish of seeing-who-you-want-to-be?)
i am learning not to be defined by the limitations of who i am now. i am trying to see the potential.


like, i am not actually that person who hates gym and procrastinates with every excuse in the book. no. i am that person who loves gym and loves pain and sweat and craves the routine of it all, right?


like, i am not that person whose life is completely dictated by the food that she eats. no, i am that person who has a stress-free, easy-going, fun-loving relationship with food. we enjoy each other's company. but we don't watch tv together. or movies. and food never accompanies on long drives. or short drives. no. no playtime in the car for me and food. we pay full attention to each other when we hang.


nor am i that person who cannot let go of grudges and forgive. no, i forgive. i move on. because holding on to all that negative energy is hazardous to your health. dayum. and i have been preaching that i'll do this - this whole "forgive" thing - and all this time it's been sitting on my doorstep, waiting for me to make a move. on that note, you don't know who you are, nor should you, perhaps, but i have a feeling you might be reading this. and if you are, i want you to know that i am trying to move on and forgive the crappy stuff you've done. (who's she talking about!? she's sooo enigmatic) and, unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, most all of you will know who i'm talking about. and that's another thing. i am not that person who indulges in the backtalk of others. 


so i know who i don't want to see. and i have some ideas of who i do want to see. i want to see a girl, maybe ten kilograms literally lifted from my shoulders (and my belly and my bum and my oh my....) who is strong-minded, organised and calm, with copious amounts of willpower and relationships and friendships that go from strength to strength. i know i'm getting there with so many of those things, but patience has never been my strongpoint (maybe i should add it to the list, then).


but, when i look back and see how far i've come, i can still see exactly where i came from. it's not so far away. i can still see, in clear view, my arch enemies, sadness and lack'a self-worth. they're so ugly. and they are hungry and want to be fed. which is why my rut was so scary. i could hear them calling my name. they wanted me to indulge them. and, had this rut continued any further than here and now, maybe this all would have been a horrible downward spiral. but today is day one of the next small step. the step that takes me a little farther from those beasts. and a little closer to my ideals. my who-i-want-to-be. today i am having a crystal clear vision of that girl. and i'm-a-comin'.



this road here is for runnin' on. running fast and hard. and maybe i will run fast and hard. because that's just the kinda girl i am. (or will be). (soon).


-- R.

in search of inspiration

i've somehow allowed a day of lacklustre to turn into two weeks of lacklustre. two weeks of not-grabbing-life-by-the-balls. just like that. it happened. and now it stops. now, i'm making some sort of attempt to slap myself in the face and find something to pull me - drag me if it has to, out of this rut. 


so here goes. playing my own game. things that are inspiring me on this couch tonight.


one.
allowing the creative juices to flow, in the way of fresh choreography, bringing scenes to life, injecting characters with amazing physicality and voices (and watching fifteen-year-olds nailing it). watching my husband excel in his field. hearing his work with a trio of talent and feeling so proud. using words to articulate my somewhat absurd thoughts. connecting with cast members. feeling calm and confident and believing in myself.



two.
physics in the home. wine bottles that hang, suspended in space, and have yet to fall and break. the routine of hanging washing. mimi swiping out our pacing steps as we move across the hallway. she is hungry, don't we know? valentine's red roses in a purple glass vase. the satisfaction of gently pulling blu-tac from skov's old bedroom walls. imagining my future courtyard, and the freedom and meditation that the outside will bring. home things.



three. 
refreshing life. simple life. fresh produce life. 



four.
the domestic god himself, mr. jonathan skovron. makes pesto. from scratch. sans machine. doing things the old fashioned way. 









five.
the routine of gym. going. always thinking the worst part is over as i walk in. sweating. reaching goals. improving. the pride of accomplishment.


six.
love. of the hardcore, sickeningly sweet variety. of the dancing in the kitchen variety. of the imagining our future life variety.


************************************************************************************************************


i know there is so much around me to be inspired by. i think that the waiting game and the not-knowing-what-i'm-doing-this-year thing are gettin' me down. and i want to make sure you all know that i know that i don't have serious problems. in fact, i am privileged, blessed. i'm two thirds of the way to the holy trinity. i am surrounded by interesting, beautiful people and interesting, challenging work and i spend a lot of time doing what i love. and for that i am so grateful. it's just that these last two weeks, i've had trouble seeing beyond the fog of frustration to see the beauty of the world, of my world, and all that is in it. 


hence the inspirations above. if you feel like it, share with me something that inspires you. something that might help me to just snap out of it. if it works for you, then maybe it will for me too. so, what is it that you do or say or think about when you're feeling a bit in a rut? maybe we can help each other.


-- R.

banana bread.

is delicious. and it's been a slow week.

left wanting more

i know, i know. we, as the fickle, flawed specimen of homosapien that we are, never reach full and total satisfaction.


i mean, maybe we reach it for a moment. a fleeting moment. we get what we want and then, just when we think we should be happy now, it's gone and it's over and we are left wanting more. could be because we think that if what we wanted was achievable, then maybe we should have aimed higher in the first place. 


i am so happy, thrilled, over the cheese about monash. about my dip ed. when i first laid my eyes on the sweet greenlight letter, i felt deserving, proud and at peace. but, two weeks later, i waiver. i can't wait to get started. i want to start now. no, scratch that. i want to start months ago. i want my time back, i want my time again. i want to have known then what i know now, and to suck it up and do what needs to be done. then. not now.


it's so hard for me to let it go. all the wasted time (all the million hours). i know i will be yelled at for saying it, especially here, but it's so the truth. and i know i have to work on forgiving myself for making a mistake. and i know that i should give myself the same opportunity to be judged on my comeback and not on the fall. and in time, with a little hope and a little help, i will.


it's been a week of unchange. the dust settles, routine kicks in, and everything is back to normal. but still, i must strive to reach greater goals. in the spirit of the show i am directing, little shop of horrors, today i am thinking of how i intend to better myself.


and, off the top of my head, here's what i'm workin' on:


one. finishing off arguments. 
two. never walking away. 
three. always considering apologies (and doing my best to accept them).
four. thinking instead of racing - seems counterintuitive but you get more done.
five. encouraging instead of eyebrow-raising.
six. doing what i say i'll do.
seven. supporting the initiatives of family and friends.


and that'll do for the weekend. cheers.








-- R.

on record-breaking (and bad puns)

as promised, details of the craft project:


full credit goes to justine, who watches how-to-tv and then actually tries it.


step one. find nearest salvation army. trifle through their record collection (full albums and eps for different sizes). choose favourite artists or funny album names or aesthetically pleasing labels. try not to sneeze from the dust. we spent seven dollars on eight records.
step two. preheat oven to 100 degrees celcius. (not at the salvos - go home first. it would be weird to preheat the salvos' oven.)
step three. find oven-proof vessels to melt the records over (we used a small stainless steel mixing bowl, a ceramic mug, an empty pickle jar, and a loaf tin)
step four.  place the chosen vessel upside down on a baking tray. place the record, centred over the top of the upside down vessel. place in the oven.
step five. do not leave the oven. get comfortable (but not too comfortable - it doesn't take long), and watch the dali-esque magic happen, as the vinyl slowly gives way to the heat. 
step six. *and this one is important* say something that nigella would say. for example: "i love how the shiny black vinyl buckles and submits to the authority of the oven's prowess... mmmm...." (then smile at the camera and give it sexy eyes)
step seven. after maybe two minutes, pull the tray out of the oven and, using double-mitted hands (as in, one mitt per hand), gently push the vinyl down toward the oven-proof vessel. this creates very pleasing pleats and curves. the label part of the record does not melt, ensuring a sturdy base for your bowl/storage device.
step eight. if you're using the bowls for serving food (chips, lollies, etc.), just place a serviette inside the warped record to keep things hygienic. we used ours to make stationary storage for skov's office. the records that we melted over the loaf tin worked really well for bigger things like scissors and staplers, and the bowl and mug worked well for things like paper clips and thumb tacks.


very nice.





-- R.

rebecca's favourite things

don't be fooled by the title of the post. this is not one of those "everybody gets a car... and you do, and you do, and you do..." oprah whinfrey situations.


it's my new, replacement happy game. well, actually, not replacement, but rather, think of it like a filing system for the happy game. the game goes like this. actively start thinking of your "top 100 favourite things". (when something pops up in your happies in a recurring kind of way, it probably belongs in your top 100 favourite things list.) it's a mental list. or it could be an actual list. either way (i'm not fussed). anyway, point being, it's a good game to play with people. ask them what would be on their list (no need to name 100 things, just things that definitely make it in, and take note as the list builds up).


for example:


these undoubtedly make my list.



all things coffee: in order of appearance, that's espresso martinis (which, although i may sound like an alcoholic, slip down the throat very nicely indeed), iced coffee as it seeps down through icy milk, and morning coffee, complete with loveheart scrawled by my love.


baking also makes my list. subheading for baking is the kitchenaid (thanks jus for the reminder of its holiness - o, shiny thing.)
and, in a separate entry, cooking. 
skov obviously (although people gets tricky, there are just too many)
ellatalk for sure. headliners of which are sweety and barf?.
late-night comedies get a nod (arrested development, entourage, weeds, friends, sex and the city etc.), but 30 rock can have its own entry. in fact, for that matter, lets put liz lemon in there. and jenna. (and kenneth and tracy and jack, oh my.)
games nights (especially when i'm victorious)
craft projects with favourite friends

(full post on this project shortly)


a really good movie, especially one where you get to snuggle in the corner of the couch.
cuddles.
the smell of fresh laundry.
for that matter, the smell of lavender.
a clean house (but not the part where you have to clean it, obviously)
a really good conversation. unbeatable.
getting dressed up and made up and smelling lovely.
laughing at myself (i have to be good at this one, sometimes i'm fullstop a douchebag).
photography.
vintage chairs. 
a good text message. a funny text message. a meaningful text message (gemgem i actually love you)
great new musical theatre. great new any theatre. great old theatre (both musical and otherwise).
bright, beautiful colours.
blue eyes (and one person in particular's)


and the list goes on and on forever. and the best part? there are no rules. or at least, you make them up, to suit you precisely, as you go along. like, subtitles are cool for some categories. some categories can appear more than once. the list can be written all at once or over a century. or never written at all, just thought about. and discussed. the discussion is the important part. i liked, when we invented the game, how we inspired each other:


skov: the smell of baking
me: baking!


so ok there were better examples than that but they escape me right now.


i like how one idea rolls onto another and another. and soon, you're swimming in this sea of things that make you happy, things that make you laugh and feel at home and safe and loved. so, go forth, very small pool of readers, and disseminate my new game. and it will be good, i promise.


and, if you feel like it, leave a sample (however small) in the comments box. start a conversation. it's therapeutic.


-- R.