will you share your life with me for the next ten kgs?

it is time. as the dust settles and the ground clears, my rut is rounding itself up. thank you to alice for the walking suggestion. o, i will walk. i might skip the baths, though, in other people's houses. although high marks for creativity and conviction. 


so, now what? now i continue on my journey, on my journeys. my quest to become the person who i see. (remember that old kettle of fish of seeing-who-you-want-to-be?)
i am learning not to be defined by the limitations of who i am now. i am trying to see the potential.


like, i am not actually that person who hates gym and procrastinates with every excuse in the book. no. i am that person who loves gym and loves pain and sweat and craves the routine of it all, right?


like, i am not that person whose life is completely dictated by the food that she eats. no, i am that person who has a stress-free, easy-going, fun-loving relationship with food. we enjoy each other's company. but we don't watch tv together. or movies. and food never accompanies on long drives. or short drives. no. no playtime in the car for me and food. we pay full attention to each other when we hang.


nor am i that person who cannot let go of grudges and forgive. no, i forgive. i move on. because holding on to all that negative energy is hazardous to your health. dayum. and i have been preaching that i'll do this - this whole "forgive" thing - and all this time it's been sitting on my doorstep, waiting for me to make a move. on that note, you don't know who you are, nor should you, perhaps, but i have a feeling you might be reading this. and if you are, i want you to know that i am trying to move on and forgive the crappy stuff you've done. (who's she talking about!? she's sooo enigmatic) and, unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, most all of you will know who i'm talking about. and that's another thing. i am not that person who indulges in the backtalk of others. 


so i know who i don't want to see. and i have some ideas of who i do want to see. i want to see a girl, maybe ten kilograms literally lifted from my shoulders (and my belly and my bum and my oh my....) who is strong-minded, organised and calm, with copious amounts of willpower and relationships and friendships that go from strength to strength. i know i'm getting there with so many of those things, but patience has never been my strongpoint (maybe i should add it to the list, then).


but, when i look back and see how far i've come, i can still see exactly where i came from. it's not so far away. i can still see, in clear view, my arch enemies, sadness and lack'a self-worth. they're so ugly. and they are hungry and want to be fed. which is why my rut was so scary. i could hear them calling my name. they wanted me to indulge them. and, had this rut continued any further than here and now, maybe this all would have been a horrible downward spiral. but today is day one of the next small step. the step that takes me a little farther from those beasts. and a little closer to my ideals. my who-i-want-to-be. today i am having a crystal clear vision of that girl. and i'm-a-comin'.



this road here is for runnin' on. running fast and hard. and maybe i will run fast and hard. because that's just the kinda girl i am. (or will be). (soon).


-- R.