small milestones

one.
yesterday i wrote and mailed the letter. you know, the one that will determine whether or not i go back to uni next year? the one where i poured my heart and soul out all over a white screen, in the hopes that someone out there might get it? i'm really looking forward to the six-to-eight-week-wait ahead.


two. 
finally, finally they started construction next door. this morning marks day three of free 7am wake up call. in a way it's not so bad. but the potty-mouthed construction workers cackling about gross things have got to go. 





three.
the place on the other side of us got jealous. so they decided to start pulling down fences and chopping down trees. the result? construction sandwich, baby, and we are the cheese.


four. 
it's chanukah! time to pull out my grandfather's perfect chanukiah masterpiece, light the candles and place it in the window for passers-by to see and think, now there's a glimmer in the window. to mark the occasion, i spent a good chunk of yesterday making ponchkas, jewish jam donuts, which are traditionally eaten during this festival. then skov and i drove around delivering the little morsels of oily perfection to family and friends. i do love to bake. 


half jam, half custard, all deliciously home-made.





five.
the happy game. it's a new game, which i invented (and am trademarking, thankyouverymuch), whereby you are accountable for someone else's "happies". how does it work, i hear you ask? well, quiet down and i'll tell you. first, you tell someone that they should expect a phone call from you every day. then, you make said phone call. whilst on the phone, you tell them one thing that made you happy today. can be small, can be big. ergo they are accountable for your happies. this game couldn't sound more dorky, but i swear, it works, and i'm slowly converting people. because then you start to notice little things that make you happy and you think, hey, i could use this as my happy today! whereas otherwise you would never have even noticed it. try it.


six. 
december, already!?


off to tend to sick bunny.

mug painted courtesy of yours truly.


-- R. 

back on track

i know how it feels have your life in one place, a very recognisable place, and then to just up and leave it right there. like, to feel that moment of almost-can't-breathe-anymore and realise that you need to just go. i know how it feels to never want to see that place again. because it is hard, and raw, and it hurts. 


but i am back in that place again. well, not exactly that place. you see, at the end of last year, i was supposed to finish my school placement and graduate. i was supposed to have motivation and direction to get through my degree, especially considering i was given a second opportunity to do so. i was supposed to have this amazing and beautiful opportunity to start my teaching career at the start of 2010, freshly married and just so happy.


but supposed-to never really eventuated. i'll never really be able to explain what stopped me from getting through my rounds at that secondary school. i think it was a combination of exhaustion, nerves, my round-the-corner marriage, a huge lack of motivation, and self-doubt. you know, that voice i've talked about so much already that says, "you are wasting your time. this is not your path. quit while you're ahead." (you know, all the really useful things that one's mind can say).


and then, this year, when i decided to try one last time to get through my blasted placement, i was met with a wall. a bureaucratic wall of resistance. and when girlfriend sees a wall? well, she's lookin' for a javelin stick. and javelin stick i found. when i returned from my three-month round-the-world honeymoon extravaganza, i cranked my motivational mind into overhaul. i convinced myself that i was a steam engine. and as i puffed up that hill, constantly having to knock back negative thoughts, i repeated, over and over: see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe (i hope you got the rhythm there, it really helps). 


and so off i trotted to fulfil the somewhat ridiculous requests of the evil bureaucrats and spent the last two weeks volunteering my time at a local high school, being exposed to the cruel and scary school environment, like a good girl. i was patient, i sat and listened quietly, helped out when i was asked, and was always on my very best behaviour. (this is why i hate placement). i smiled at the staff, even when they never smiled back, and i answered the awkward and often-asked student question, "are you a teacher?" i figure, i could have gone into the two-year long details to explain why i, indeed, am not a teacher, but a simple "almost" seemed to satisfy.


and then yesterday, the teacher in charge of me and my "situation" gave me a letter to say that i had done what i had done. well, thank you very much, where does this leave me?


it leaves me very very close to where i left off. 


except not quite.


because where i left off was a very scary, dark place. a place where i hope never to return. i don't want to be that person who gives up on herself anymore. i don't want to be that person who ever puts anything in the too-hard basket. and after the challenges and struggles of the past year, and difficult talks i've had to have with myself, i know i'm not that person anymore. there isn't even a basket with those words on it. too hard? more like, yes please. i'll take that challenge and raise you a hard-core accept. don't try me. don't ask me to jump out of an aeroplane. because, i really really really don't want to. but i might just have to accept it. there's no more excuses comin' out of this strong woman's mind or mouth. 


so yes, i am very close to where i left off. maybe a shuffle or two further down the track. but those shuffles have made a world of difference. i feel like i'm back on a track that will eventually take me to where i wanted to go. but it's different. it's beautiful. there are pit-stops with people waiting to hand me ice cold water, marathon-style. there are hills and troughs and pastoral landscapes. of course there are also ladders and walls and all sorts of obstacles. except this time, there are also the tools and instruments to defeat. javelins and sledge-hammers and shovels. nothing can stop me now from getting all the way to the end of this path.


i'm back on track. i'm better than back on track. it's a whole new track, baby.



and to satisfy my photo-fetish, i'm currently reminiscing about one simply fabulous day, nearly a year ago now. and it's only taken this long to get the album and video ready to be picked up (which i will go and do later today!!). i remember feeling like my feet were not touching the ground, like the love-vibes i was getting from everyone around me literally whooshed me right up off the floor. it was awesome.




what'cha got there, ella?




happy love day, everyone. here's to being in love and finding new tracks.


-- R. 

new beginnings...

well. it's that time of year, ey? time to start thinking about what comes next. and, in keeping with my own little three-year-long tradition, i went out and bought myself a gift today. 





a brand new diary, baby. it's time to talk 2011. and as i lay my card down to pay for this, my favourite yearly planner (naturally food-related), i started to think... i wonder what amazing things i will be writing in these here pages? which got me wondering, in the spirit of seeing who i want to be, and in light of this new-found positivity, if i think good thoughts, will i be writing them for real soon enough? 


perhaps an appointment with the university to confirm my readmission? (or maybe that will happen even sooner than that...) dates for my professional placement? graduation? job interviews scheduled in for mid-year? and let's not forget a chic birthday dinner or two.


and why stop there? how about all the good times i'll have celebrating fabulous occasions with friends? engagements, birthdays, love and happiness. pencil them in. and meal after delicious meal, both home-cooked and eaten out to commemorate special moments in our lives. incredible outings to farmers' markets (the locations of which are included in the front of my beautiful planner), bringing home the freshest and most vibrant produce to play with. 


challenging moments, compromise, creativity and artistic success. jot them down, too. maybe a massage lurks in the near future? perhaps it comes as a reward for working hard to achieve my fitness goals. add in a million smiles, and laughter between lovers. 365 daily feeds for mimi, and 365 tales of silliness to match. flowers, shopping sprees, fixing things around the house, hanging pictures, printing photos, reliving happy memories of the years gone by.


it's looking to be a seriously good year ahead. and no, i'm not stupid. i've flipped the pages and apprehended the not-so-good-stuff. tears, arguments, misunderstandings. break-ups, lay-offs and anger. those things are all there too, somewhere. old me, firsthalfof2010 me, would have spent far too long dwelling on those things. but blog, and now 2011 diary, you are reminding me to notice the good stuff. maybe highlight it in fluorescent pink and orange and sprinkle it with glitter. yes, i will accept the sadness and the hardships. let them soak through my body and my mind. i will go so far as to acknowledge the importance of feeling the pain that life inevitably deals us. so i will cry and wallow and ask to be coddled. and then, i will flip the page. when i'm ready, i'll move on. start again. see the good. see what i want to be. (recurring theme, anyone?)


and now, enough warbling. i will leave you with exciting thoughts. summer is coming:


(despite ominous weather today, baby, it's a-comin')


lots of time will be spent here, in the palace of the sun, acland street, st kilda in melbourne. o, heavenly place. 


and plenty of ice cream happiness is on its way. all you can eat, in fact.


so, what's your happy-coming?


-- R.

testing, testing...

is this how i add a full-sized photo to my blog? (i am aware that i am asking nobody.)



my husband's grandfather, mietek. 98 years old. and still kicking on. this man tells the absolute best jokes, and he has literally got a library of them stored in his brain. this photo is of him, moments after telling one of his jokes that he, too, happened to find hilarious. classic and beautiful. 




and how perfect is this? i've always been fascinated by how his fingers swish and swirl on whatever surface they find nearest. i suppose when you are near-blind and near-deaf, textures and touch become much more important. here, he glides his fingertips over a nearby nail file.


-- R. 

sirens need not be blaring

for me to hear the voices in my head tonight. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. news flash? no. but still, i'm finding it difficult to battle these monsters who tell me, every single day, that i'm uncertain, i'm wasting my time, i should quit. i've never exactly been a hero when it comes to telling myself to just shut up, and put one foot in front of the other.


but i'm willing to make an effort to learn from previous failings. how easy would the past twelve months have been if i could have just sucked it up and kept rolling? but i will not allow myself to repeat my own mistakes over and over. this time is different. i might not succeed. but i will go down in a ripping battle.


it is a mad dash to the finish line right now. i have to submit a letter for readmission to my course by december 1st. that is in nine days. this is the homestretch to what has been a whopping journey. a journey filled with difficult realisations, challenging self-reflection and an ongoing battle with myself. even after i had secured this volunteer work at the local public school, i started to second-guess. but this time, sirens need not be blaring.


i do not need to wait to fail before i think about what i can do to ease the discomfort of the challenge. i am looking inside myself, and seeing, point blank, that while i may not know where i am going in this life or how i will get there, i will submit that letter. i will carry out one week more of volunteering at the school. when it gets difficult, i will ask for help. i will blog it out. hell, i'll do whatever it takes to get that letter signed, sealed and delivered.


and when i do, i'll be able to say that i did everything i possibly could to make this happen. i will look back with no regrets. and if, for some inane reason, the university decides to backpedal on their word and deny me reentry into the course, well, then, i know exactly what i'll do. i've had it planned for months. and i'll do it with a breath of fresh air and a sigh of happy relief.


i'll move on. there are so many big and beautiful things that are out there, waiting for me. i will not let this one thing cast huge shadows on my path after this last mad dash. once i can say that i did everything (and i mean everything), then i see this glorious scene playing out in my mind, in which the layer of guilt i've been carrying around with me for the past year is suddenly magnetised to the sky, and it peels off of my skin with such a gush of energy that my arms fly up in the air and i shout "hallelujah" into the air. 


no, it won't be exactly the happy ending i might have thought i wanted at the start of all of this. but i'm learning to take things as they come. all i can do is everything i can. and i'm doing just that, baby. 


i'm not worried. i'm not scared. if this one doesn't work out, then there's another equally fabulous, world-changing career out there, patiently waiting for me to notice it. and if it does work out? well, that's just fabulous too.


-- R.

Step One

I made a phone call. I swallowed down deep, my heart beat fast, and I pushed those buttons. I made a phone call! I know I sound a bit "the loser" for thinking myself so cool for making a phone call. But I made the phone call that got the ball rolling. I took positive action. I'm going in to a school tomorrow to meet with a woman who will help me to find a bit of volunteer work in the school. Afternoon homework help and the like.

After tomorrow's meeting I will email the university powers. I will tell them what I have planned. And I will remind them that I am still here, fighting to finish my degree. I will tell them that I am coming back. They will be shocked that I'm still here. And I will smile.

Since that tiny little phone call, I haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face. I've sat in my hallway, sorting through toiletries, grinning like a mad woman. If anyone would've seen me they would've thought I was a bit "special", for sure. But I don't care. I don't care how small or insignificant this step is. It's the first step. The one that makes the other steps happen. Next thing you know, I'll be standing in front of hundreds of people, wearing a goofy gown and cap, and graduating. Me. Graduating. Okay, so I know that step one and graduation might be worlds apart, but I can't help but feel worlds closer to my goal.

Step One has taught me a major lesson today. Don't overthink things. Sometimes, it's worth assuming the best of people, assuming that people are good and generous and want to help you. Because in the end, the only thing that has been stopping me this whole time has been me. Me thinking that people would turn me away, and shoot me down again and again. Did anyone ever shoot me down? No! They may have laid some bricks down in front of me, but that high wall? All my own doing, baby. And, brick by brick, I'm-a-pullin' them down.

In other news, my house is almost back in order. It's taken us a week of being home from our big trip, but it's slowly starting to resemble a house that I live in. Including mass ant genocide last night. Home is good, friends are good, and I've taken Step One. Today is one of those good days.

And I swear, soon, I will figure out how to turn this into a photographic sensation. Any day now. Maybe it will be Step Two? Thank you, little blog, for taking in my thoughts without judgement. I dig you, and I will, in return, look after you.

-- R.

I got that fightin’ spirit

I’m such a strong believer in the idea that you have to see yourself the way you want to be. Stronger, faster, thinner, happier, whatever. If you look at yourself in your mind’s eye and say I am strong, then your chances of actually being strong are much higher. The power of positive thinking, baby.

Obviously I know this is not a ballistic new concept for the human race. But for me, this paradigm of positivity struck while I was sitting on London’s Tube, the bustle of train culture happening all around me, and I looked up into the window opposite me. The window must have been tilted to such a degree that it slightly warped my reflection. Suddenly, my face was a bit leaner – I couldn’t believe how good I looked. My travel companions continued ranting on about this and that, while I had a quiet epiphany on that train. See who you want to be. I sat, staring, entranced by my own beauty and finesse. Of course, the delusion wore off rather quickly when I turned my head to another reflective surface and realised that I hadn’t magically morphed into a supermodel. But the thought stuck. See who you want to be.

And what do I want to be today? I want to be a strong woman. A woman with that fightin’ spirit. I want to see beyond the wall to the freedom that I know exists, and I want to be a person who can set herself the necessary goals to achieve that freedom.

And this blog? Well, it’s really just another reflective surface, right? So here I am, looking at myself, and seeing strength. Seeing a fighter. Someone who can make tough calls, not take no for an answer, and take steps in the right direction, no matter how confronting and scary it might be.

The road is long and narrow, with many potholes and obstacles. But today, I see a woman who can sit in the driver’s seat and manoeuvre craftily around them. And when I can’t? Well, that’s when I ask for help. Help from my husband, our family, my amazing friends. I talk it out.

When the time comes, I want to be ready. I want to be able to face my demons head on and kick their asses. And when I do? You can call me doctor Skovron. I will have slaved over the study of kickin’ demons’ asses to the extent that I’ll be the authority on the topic. People will come from far and wide to ask me how I do it. And I’ll look at them, slow smirk spreading across my face, and tell them, see who you want to be. See who you want to be.

There are many projects on the horizon, and hectic times-a-lurkin’. And I couldn’t be more excited. I mean, bring on the challenges, the difficulties and frustrations, because I’ll be here, bandages tied, boxing gloves on, with two big black war stripes painted on my face. I’m not kidding. I’ve got that fightin’ spirit. Hard core.

-- R.

In the spirit of Sex and the City

It seems apt, as my time here in New York comes to its peaceful close, that I turn to the great sage Carrie Bradshaw for a bit of advice. And, frankly, if you can master the agonies and ecstacies of living in Manhattan, you should be honoured. And Carrie B? Fictional as she may be, girlfriend owns this city.

So, her advice? Breathe and reboot. When things go wrong and the bricks on that wall in front of you are a-mountin', just breathe. And reboot.

It's not my perfect mantra, but hey, it's a start, and it involves positive action, which in my book, is a nice chunky stride in the right direction. Thanks imaginary HBO character. Just breathe and reboot.

-- R.