sirens need not be blaring

for me to hear the voices in my head tonight. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. news flash? no. but still, i'm finding it difficult to battle these monsters who tell me, every single day, that i'm uncertain, i'm wasting my time, i should quit. i've never exactly been a hero when it comes to telling myself to just shut up, and put one foot in front of the other.


but i'm willing to make an effort to learn from previous failings. how easy would the past twelve months have been if i could have just sucked it up and kept rolling? but i will not allow myself to repeat my own mistakes over and over. this time is different. i might not succeed. but i will go down in a ripping battle.


it is a mad dash to the finish line right now. i have to submit a letter for readmission to my course by december 1st. that is in nine days. this is the homestretch to what has been a whopping journey. a journey filled with difficult realisations, challenging self-reflection and an ongoing battle with myself. even after i had secured this volunteer work at the local public school, i started to second-guess. but this time, sirens need not be blaring.


i do not need to wait to fail before i think about what i can do to ease the discomfort of the challenge. i am looking inside myself, and seeing, point blank, that while i may not know where i am going in this life or how i will get there, i will submit that letter. i will carry out one week more of volunteering at the school. when it gets difficult, i will ask for help. i will blog it out. hell, i'll do whatever it takes to get that letter signed, sealed and delivered.


and when i do, i'll be able to say that i did everything i possibly could to make this happen. i will look back with no regrets. and if, for some inane reason, the university decides to backpedal on their word and deny me reentry into the course, well, then, i know exactly what i'll do. i've had it planned for months. and i'll do it with a breath of fresh air and a sigh of happy relief.


i'll move on. there are so many big and beautiful things that are out there, waiting for me. i will not let this one thing cast huge shadows on my path after this last mad dash. once i can say that i did everything (and i mean everything), then i see this glorious scene playing out in my mind, in which the layer of guilt i've been carrying around with me for the past year is suddenly magnetised to the sky, and it peels off of my skin with such a gush of energy that my arms fly up in the air and i shout "hallelujah" into the air. 


no, it won't be exactly the happy ending i might have thought i wanted at the start of all of this. but i'm learning to take things as they come. all i can do is everything i can. and i'm doing just that, baby. 


i'm not worried. i'm not scared. if this one doesn't work out, then there's another equally fabulous, world-changing career out there, patiently waiting for me to notice it. and if it does work out? well, that's just fabulous too.


-- R.