back on track

i know how it feels have your life in one place, a very recognisable place, and then to just up and leave it right there. like, to feel that moment of almost-can't-breathe-anymore and realise that you need to just go. i know how it feels to never want to see that place again. because it is hard, and raw, and it hurts. 


but i am back in that place again. well, not exactly that place. you see, at the end of last year, i was supposed to finish my school placement and graduate. i was supposed to have motivation and direction to get through my degree, especially considering i was given a second opportunity to do so. i was supposed to have this amazing and beautiful opportunity to start my teaching career at the start of 2010, freshly married and just so happy.


but supposed-to never really eventuated. i'll never really be able to explain what stopped me from getting through my rounds at that secondary school. i think it was a combination of exhaustion, nerves, my round-the-corner marriage, a huge lack of motivation, and self-doubt. you know, that voice i've talked about so much already that says, "you are wasting your time. this is not your path. quit while you're ahead." (you know, all the really useful things that one's mind can say).


and then, this year, when i decided to try one last time to get through my blasted placement, i was met with a wall. a bureaucratic wall of resistance. and when girlfriend sees a wall? well, she's lookin' for a javelin stick. and javelin stick i found. when i returned from my three-month round-the-world honeymoon extravaganza, i cranked my motivational mind into overhaul. i convinced myself that i was a steam engine. and as i puffed up that hill, constantly having to knock back negative thoughts, i repeated, over and over: see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe see whoyouwanttobe (i hope you got the rhythm there, it really helps). 


and so off i trotted to fulfil the somewhat ridiculous requests of the evil bureaucrats and spent the last two weeks volunteering my time at a local high school, being exposed to the cruel and scary school environment, like a good girl. i was patient, i sat and listened quietly, helped out when i was asked, and was always on my very best behaviour. (this is why i hate placement). i smiled at the staff, even when they never smiled back, and i answered the awkward and often-asked student question, "are you a teacher?" i figure, i could have gone into the two-year long details to explain why i, indeed, am not a teacher, but a simple "almost" seemed to satisfy.


and then yesterday, the teacher in charge of me and my "situation" gave me a letter to say that i had done what i had done. well, thank you very much, where does this leave me?


it leaves me very very close to where i left off. 


except not quite.


because where i left off was a very scary, dark place. a place where i hope never to return. i don't want to be that person who gives up on herself anymore. i don't want to be that person who ever puts anything in the too-hard basket. and after the challenges and struggles of the past year, and difficult talks i've had to have with myself, i know i'm not that person anymore. there isn't even a basket with those words on it. too hard? more like, yes please. i'll take that challenge and raise you a hard-core accept. don't try me. don't ask me to jump out of an aeroplane. because, i really really really don't want to. but i might just have to accept it. there's no more excuses comin' out of this strong woman's mind or mouth. 


so yes, i am very close to where i left off. maybe a shuffle or two further down the track. but those shuffles have made a world of difference. i feel like i'm back on a track that will eventually take me to where i wanted to go. but it's different. it's beautiful. there are pit-stops with people waiting to hand me ice cold water, marathon-style. there are hills and troughs and pastoral landscapes. of course there are also ladders and walls and all sorts of obstacles. except this time, there are also the tools and instruments to defeat. javelins and sledge-hammers and shovels. nothing can stop me now from getting all the way to the end of this path.


i'm back on track. i'm better than back on track. it's a whole new track, baby.



and to satisfy my photo-fetish, i'm currently reminiscing about one simply fabulous day, nearly a year ago now. and it's only taken this long to get the album and video ready to be picked up (which i will go and do later today!!). i remember feeling like my feet were not touching the ground, like the love-vibes i was getting from everyone around me literally whooshed me right up off the floor. it was awesome.




what'cha got there, ella?




happy love day, everyone. here's to being in love and finding new tracks.


-- R.