it's simple. i start placement in 93 days. so in 93 days my world will stop for a new challenge (well, at least a new try at an old challenge). and i would like to squeeze the most out of my time in the meanwhile.
so, in the spirit of guiding my own journey, i'm setting a task or ten.
wake up early. go to gym or get out in the real world for some exercise. eat well. be good to myself. take a photo. blog about it. every single day. for 93 days.
and then maybe i will feel more ready. or at least satisfied.
-- R.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
a road trip, a road trip.
to the blue mountains. driving, singing, forgetting lyrics, antiquing, sleeping, fine dining, pubbing, laughing, playing, winning, (losing), caving, strolling, conquering small fears, seeing beautiful things, (trying to see certain beautiful things despite inconvenient fog), enjoying simple things and simple time and simple life.
-- R.
breaking promises
i make promises to myself all the time. and i break them. and probably the guilt of breaking promises is only enhanced by the promise i make to not break them anymore. the cycle perpetuates... and i get down.
i promised myself on the eve of 2011 to be good to myself. or something like that. and i've broken that promise, so many times. i've beaten myself up about small things, and i've failed to treat my body like a temple, and i've lacked motivation and gotten angry over unimportant matters. and these are all things that make me sad and are not good to me or for me. and i feel myself slowly but surely etching a path back towards old habits.
so today, just now, when i thought i might just wallow for another few days, at that very moment, i stopped. and i stood up and walked - nay, stampeded - toward the computer. because i'm not gonna break this promise i made. the one to blog it out. it's worked before. it helps to put something down on the virtual page. to get something out of my muddled mind, and allow it to begin to straighten itself out in the stark white silence of the screen.
i suppose now i should say what i'm bloggin' it out about. well, truth be told, i don't really know where to start. or maybe i just don't know. but, in the interest of not breaking another promise to myself (no censoring my thoughts here), i'll let the thoughts flow. excuse me for a moment...
i've been here before, at this point of i've come so far and have been complimented and told i should be proud. and then something happens. and i take some sort of small step backwards, away from full recovery. but i know that i can pull myself back, and i say "tomorrow" and "tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes. and all of a sudden i'm back where i came from. and i stay there for so long. and then it's so hard and so much work to fix. and, in the first place, i wasn't finished yet. not satisfied, still so much work to be done. and then i'm back to the beginning. and recovery is a world away and the cycle, once more, perpetuates. and, in fact, if i'm being perfectly honest, it's not just back to the same place each time. it gets worse. and i can't afford to go backward to a worse place than i've been before. because i might not ever return.
i put that rant in small text so that you can choose to skip over it. because, despite promises, it is slightly censored and therefore more-than-slightly obscure. but, if you read it and it means something to you, then good. and, in the interest of acknowledging the censorship thing, there are just some thoughts in my head that don't need to be shared. not with you, anyway.
ok, so now we try to learn a lesson here. promises get broken, and i tend to become overly disappointed with myself. yes, that's true, but how can i develop positive behaviours to kickstart a changed outlook that might just break the cycle? there's a person i need to talk to. i need to do that. and there's a gym that needs to see me. i need to do that too. and there are three piles in my study that need attending to asap. and maybe all these things, in conjunction, can join in a powerful force to uplift me. just a little. just enough for a kick up the bum.
and now, another small rant in response to that other small rant. and by small, i mean small text.
rebecca. learn from your mistakes. stop worrying about screwing up. take a deep breath, smile, and allow yourself to be human. but when you wake up every morning, you need to look in the mirror and see-who-you-want-to-be. stop getting dressed in leggings and runners with the very strong idea that are definitely not going to go to gym. instead, just go. because that's who you want to be. you've got the music, you've got the ability, you've got the goddamn membership. just go. and make that call. setlle that issue. set aside time for yourself but not too much and not for too long. you'll appreciate it when you don't have it anymore, and by then it'll be too late. you're worth so much more than you are right now giving yourself credit for. stop being intimidated by new things, different things. instead of saying "tomorrow" try saying "today".
the moral of this story is that it is good to be aware of the promises that i make to myself, but it is also good to view them as more of a guideline than the be-all-and-end-all of my life. i won't stop making them. and i probably won't stop breakin' them, either. but that's okay. we're not one of us perfect. and the strength of my character is not determined by how well i uphold my promises, but but rather how i pick myself up after i've broken them.
-- R.
i promised myself on the eve of 2011 to be good to myself. or something like that. and i've broken that promise, so many times. i've beaten myself up about small things, and i've failed to treat my body like a temple, and i've lacked motivation and gotten angry over unimportant matters. and these are all things that make me sad and are not good to me or for me. and i feel myself slowly but surely etching a path back towards old habits.
so today, just now, when i thought i might just wallow for another few days, at that very moment, i stopped. and i stood up and walked - nay, stampeded - toward the computer. because i'm not gonna break this promise i made. the one to blog it out. it's worked before. it helps to put something down on the virtual page. to get something out of my muddled mind, and allow it to begin to straighten itself out in the stark white silence of the screen.
i suppose now i should say what i'm bloggin' it out about. well, truth be told, i don't really know where to start. or maybe i just don't know. but, in the interest of not breaking another promise to myself (no censoring my thoughts here), i'll let the thoughts flow. excuse me for a moment...
i've been here before, at this point of i've come so far and have been complimented and told i should be proud. and then something happens. and i take some sort of small step backwards, away from full recovery. but i know that i can pull myself back, and i say "tomorrow" and "tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes. and all of a sudden i'm back where i came from. and i stay there for so long. and then it's so hard and so much work to fix. and, in the first place, i wasn't finished yet. not satisfied, still so much work to be done. and then i'm back to the beginning. and recovery is a world away and the cycle, once more, perpetuates. and, in fact, if i'm being perfectly honest, it's not just back to the same place each time. it gets worse. and i can't afford to go backward to a worse place than i've been before. because i might not ever return.
i put that rant in small text so that you can choose to skip over it. because, despite promises, it is slightly censored and therefore more-than-slightly obscure. but, if you read it and it means something to you, then good. and, in the interest of acknowledging the censorship thing, there are just some thoughts in my head that don't need to be shared. not with you, anyway.
ok, so now we try to learn a lesson here. promises get broken, and i tend to become overly disappointed with myself. yes, that's true, but how can i develop positive behaviours to kickstart a changed outlook that might just break the cycle? there's a person i need to talk to. i need to do that. and there's a gym that needs to see me. i need to do that too. and there are three piles in my study that need attending to asap. and maybe all these things, in conjunction, can join in a powerful force to uplift me. just a little. just enough for a kick up the bum.
and now, another small rant in response to that other small rant. and by small, i mean small text.
rebecca. learn from your mistakes. stop worrying about screwing up. take a deep breath, smile, and allow yourself to be human. but when you wake up every morning, you need to look in the mirror and see-who-you-want-to-be. stop getting dressed in leggings and runners with the very strong idea that are definitely not going to go to gym. instead, just go. because that's who you want to be. you've got the music, you've got the ability, you've got the goddamn membership. just go. and make that call. setlle that issue. set aside time for yourself but not too much and not for too long. you'll appreciate it when you don't have it anymore, and by then it'll be too late. you're worth so much more than you are right now giving yourself credit for. stop being intimidated by new things, different things. instead of saying "tomorrow" try saying "today".
the moral of this story is that it is good to be aware of the promises that i make to myself, but it is also good to view them as more of a guideline than the be-all-and-end-all of my life. i won't stop making them. and i probably won't stop breakin' them, either. but that's okay. we're not one of us perfect. and the strength of my character is not determined by how well i uphold my promises, but but rather how i pick myself up after i've broken them.
-- R.
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