actually, underwhelming is an understatement. she dismissed me. she might as well have said, "that's okay, we don't want you here anymore. we prefer people who finish their degrees the first time around, and, frankly, you do not match the criteria of the paper that i have sitting here in front of me describing acceptable student behaviour. thankyoucomeagain."
i have learned a lot in my struggle to try and finish this degree. i have learnt that people sometimes don't care about you, especially if you are *that* nuisance student who keeps bugging them. i have learnt that the amount of paperwork you need to do in order to accomplish anything in a university setting is completely disproportionate to whatever said paperwork is supposed to achieve. i have learned that bureaucracy is a bitch.
last night i sat on a couch in a quiet upper-west-side new york apartment and felt dejected and useless, like maybe i wouldn't ever be able to realise my wants to finish my diploma of education. i couldn't understand why so many people insist on building these walls up in front of me that i have to push through. when will someone pave a smooth, sandstone pathway for me - one with silverbirches arching over it, providing a soft breezy soundtrack as i walk down it? last night, i was to the point that i was considering curling up into a ball and just sitting in the dark through the night, in the hopes that the darkness might just swallow me up and spit me out two years ago, when all of this might have been a whole lot easier. but i have a husband who know what to say, who knelt down beside me and reminded me that this is not the end of the line for me. so i went to bed. and as i lay in bed last night, i mantrad myself. over and over again, i told myself, this is not the end of the line for me. this is not the end of the line for me. this is not the end of the line for me.
when i woke up this morning, my first thought? this is the end of the line for me. okay, i know that wasn't an ideal first thought, but the important part is that it was a fleeting thought. i stood in the shower talking myself out of the negative vibes and i told myself to just sit down for a few minutes, let the juices flow, and blog it out. and so here i am. singing the bureaucracy blues (and, by the way, do you have any idea how difficult that word is to spell!?) but i'm going to beat them. i am going to triumph over them. i am going to see those walls, and raise them a javelin stick. because i am not just scrambling over the walls. i am going to friggin hurdle over them, wind in my hair, ridiculous, open-mouthed grin plastered on my face.
and when i land firmly on the ground on the other side? then i'll know for sure. i'll know that, unlike the others who did it the first time, i have kicked my own motivated little ass into shape, and i will be so proud i'll do a little victory lap around the walls, singing *eye of the tiger* at the top of my lungs. and it will be GOOD.
i'm home in two weeks. between now and then, i will start working on my hurdling skills. i will come up with a plan of action (or at least the beginnings of one), and, most importantly, i will stay calm. you know what? last night's mantra was not perfect. someone once told me you should always try to phrase ideas in the positive. this is not the end of the line for me is no good - it doesn't really tell me what i should do to take the next step in the right direction. i need a better one. in the next two weeks i will come up with the ultimate mantra.
stay tuned...
-- R.
and, in the meantime, a small reminder that when all else turns to shit, there's always love. thanks, nyc, for the happy times.
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